As I was cleaning up my Obsidian tabs I’ve kept open for later I saw some daily note entries that together make for a good description of December 2025, similar to the other Monthly Reviews. Except, this one depicts the spark that made me go on a journey. This month, this trip to Paris, essentially marks the star guiding the new arc of
(For context, I had started HRT not all that long ago and before going on this trip I had only been out to a handful of people that I already knew, the only new people that I was out to at the time were L1 and maybe 3 friends of hers I had talked to prior to the trip)
HRT, LGBTESCREALs & Happiness
I’m not even sure how to describe this, but I feel like I’ve not felt this flavor of happiness before. It’s very whole-hearted, light, in-the-background-yet-everywhere. It’s as joy of being that I feel like I’ve not known before.
So much of my life has just been grinding through days, being neutral, stable, alright. Happy about external things like success or smth going well, relief from worry or stress. I had happy moments w friends and loved ones, but not happy about existence, about being.
All the social situations I had here had me feel equanimity and often also joy, rather than what I typically feel, which is apprehension and low-level anxiety2. The difference is so stark, it’s quite incredible.
Also not “having” to pretend like I’m the cis-het guy I conceived myself of previously bc coming out to ppl that are connected to others means I’d have to come out to lots of ppl; smth I wanna do next year, but also haven’t wanted to do this year.
And being around all the friendly ambitious nerds here is just such a delight!
And being around L1 buffs and motivates me (AoE? Squad Passive?); Whilst in many ways she’s quite different from me, in some respects she seems like a more actualized version of myself. I can see parts of me reflected in her and how they could be, could become with effort and self-improvements. And other parts are so foreign and alien that they fascinate me endlessly. For the most part, this makes me much more motivated to do cool things, to reflect, to write, to do things I want to do bc I think they’re cool things to do. But the few times I’ve felt bad here, it makes her seem unreachable. I feel inadequate, like a failure and it sometimes puts me close to the verge of wanting to just give up and go back to my old life and ways. Back to dull, apathy-filled comfort.
Being here made me feel so much more like myself, which I hugely enjoy!
It’s March 2026 now and I’m incredibly happy that I’ve not given up but keep making progress at to me unprecedented speeds! Life is pretty great right now